a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
