i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
