my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
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you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
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He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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