how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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