You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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