Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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