it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
