we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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