After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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