I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
