I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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