Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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