Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
