I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
