I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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