i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
All I want is dick and wine.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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