It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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