I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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