make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
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He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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