My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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