i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
