Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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