He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
