Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
