Apparently you make a good broom.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
