What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
