I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
