I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
