Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
