it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
