So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
