Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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