i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
