I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize