this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
