I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
