are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
