Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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