he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
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I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
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Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
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