it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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