I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
