Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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