I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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