Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
