i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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