Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
