Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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