she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
