whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
