wrigley field is MILF paradise
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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