RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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