I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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