girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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