I just cut my nipple shaving
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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