My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
