also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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